I actually started writing this blog last Monday, for Mental Health Awareness Week; however, due to a week where my depression was particularly bad, I didn't finish it in time. How appropriate.
After leaving school in 2010, I was unemployed for a long time. I remember ending 2010 with around £38 in my bank account, and saying to myself "this time next year, you'll have more than £500 to your name at the start of the year". Due to a couple of reasons - either remaining unemployed, or balancing a part-time job at Sainsbury's with relentlessly gigging - I didn't actually manage to achieve that target for almost a decade.
In January of this year, though, I finally achieved it. For the first time in my life, I started a year with some financial stability. Not only that, but in the same month, I sold out a 3 night run at the Soho Theatre. This meant that January of this year was the very first month - apart from the August (because of the Edinburgh Fringe) - that I had earned enough money that I was making a real living from comedy.
I had spent around 9 years of my adult life either fighting to survive on benefits, or trying to stretch every penny on a retail wage to make my dream come true. To have reached a stage where I could make a living doing a job I love was such an incredible feeling. Not only that, but after one of the Soho Theatre shows, I was talking with my girlfriend about the idea of us getting a place together. We weren't talking about a specific time period - odds are it wouldn't have been in 2020 regardless - but it felt good that I could even enter that conversation and feel like I would be able to contribute, whenever the move happened.
My diary had some exciting, nicely paid gigs in there - none that would have bought a house - or even a room in London, to be honest - but for a guy who worked for £7 an hour this time 2 years ago, it would have been more than enough for me to comfortably live on, with space to put some money away.
In February, I signed with an agent; I was booking tour shows for I, Tom Mayhew; I felt really, really good, and positive.
It was the best my mental health has been in the past decade.
THE END. AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
...
Yeah, if only! Safe to say, I am really finding this whole COVID-19 thing difficult. I am not sleeping very well at all. I am back signing on, which feels particularly gutting. There are days where I question every decision I made before a pandemic that we had no idea was coming.
I am finding it a real struggle. It feels like there is part of society that makes people think you're not allowed to say that - y'know, the people who will say "well, people have it worse, so you shouldn't complain".
But part of recognising the need for mental health care and services is the acknowledgement that there isn't a hard and fast system. It isn't a hierarchy of sadness, where only the saddest 5% can struggle.
Yes, things could be worse for me during this - my Dad has lymphoma cancer and had chemo earlier in the year, so I am fully aware of the huge risk that covid-19 is to people. He has only left the house since February a handful of times, and that was to have radiotherapy, which he started seeing as "a day out". So I'm not downplaying coronavirus, or the awful impact it is having in terms of people literally dying.
However, it is also important to respect that a lot of people will be depressed, and/or struggling, with things that aren't strictly life or death, as there have been so many huge shifts in the way that people are living. Whether that's losing a job, or just missing social interaction down the pub. It's perfectly fine to feel shit right now. I'd argue that you're in the minority if you don't feel that way, frankly.
I suppose I thought it was important to write this, because people who are struggling might tell themselves "oh, I can't complain about how I feel, with all this other stuff going on", but that isn't the case. Your mental struggle isn't any less legit during a pandemic. If anything, considering how sudden and huge the impact to our daily lives has been, it should be taken even more seriously right now than ever.
Stay safe. Take care. Don't be afraid to share.
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