Project Create 2013: Day 20 - Reflecting on my depression.

Today, I was asked on ask.fm a question about why I am sometimes quite serious. It is something I have spent hours on my own pondering, so it became quite a long answer, which I will post here for the purpose of people missed it.

Q: Why so serious? Or, to put it another way, you often come across as quite a serious, earnest individual. Would you agree with this, and why do you think this is?


A: I couldn't not answer a question that starts "Why so serious?"

Erm...I think I PARTLY agree with this. If you were to listen to my podcasts - or hang out with me in real-life - I spend 90% of my time as a silly, childish individual, just making a mixture of ridiculous and intelligent jokes, having fun.
However, as someone who has suffered from depression for the past 11 months, I can often wake-up in a mood where I am not interested in being silly; when you wake up feeling down because one of your best friends is dead, it is hard to find anything funny, so the only option is to be serious, I guess. I'm not saying this to make people feel sympathetic, and I am fully aware that at the immediate mention of depression people will think "oh for fuck's sake, here goes serious Tom again" - but when something affects you in a seriously way for large portions of at least 5 days a week, it is hard to not reference it. The only other option would be to say nothing, to disappear from society, which is far from the healthy thing to do. People say if you're struggling, you should reach-out; but then, when you reach out, you can be greeted by people criticising you for "being depressed all the time", for "bringing them down". I am fully aware that there are times when I am shit company due to depression - I am also fully aware that this means I was probably a better person last year, in terms of being great company more consistently than I am now; there have been days where I have acted like an arsehole to people I care about because I felt shit, I have even lost a friendship and relationships due to my depression. However, it is circumstances of my life that have made me like this. If I could choose to not be depressed, I would.
Ultimately, I feel I still am, at my core, the same silly, childish, fun-loving individual; my Project Create on Day 18 was merchandise for an Orange that me and Dan pretend can talk on our podcast, so the surreal silliness is definitely there. I just can't be that way as often as I would like, as often as I used to. The hope is one day I'll be over this, and I'll be back to how I was, no longer annoying people with my down days.

I was planning on writing a blog about my depression earlier in the challenge, but I think I've pretty much summed it up above. Thanks.

Tom.